Happy pride month, everyone!
This one is extra special for me because it's the first since I've -drumroll please- officially started identifying as non-heterosexual. Straight up, not straight. Fluid af. Floating all over that spectrum. Actually, I've been telling people that I'm bisexual, but the label is really only a tool of convenience. I'm into who I'm into and I don't think the label matters very much.
But wait, wasn't I telling y'all for a really long time that I was "really straight"? Yep. Thought I was. The funny thing is, I think I was just letting everyone dictate my sexuality for me. Friends, family, society... Everyone told me I was "really straight" whether it was directly or indirectly. (Yes, some people literally told me how "straight" I was.) I dated a long string of boys and men for basically all of my dating life so I can see why this seemingly sudden shift might be confusing to some. I've always been the type to need to try something to know what I'm into. Turns out, I'm into women!
I've always been attracted to strong women. I mean, my favourite movies were and still are Mulan and A League Of Their Own. I've been all about the girl power for as long as I can remember. I truly admire women who live their lives in their own empowering way despite the ridiculous misogyny still so prevalent in our daily lives. My relationships with the amazing women in my life feel truly equal in addition to being incredibly supportive. With that in mind, it's not much of a stretch to think that I might want to seek the same qualities in a romantic relationship where I feel I'm more likely to find them.
However, I've spent a lot of time worrying that people would not believe me when I came out to them. I was worried some people would see it as a phase or just the next step in my "overly dramatic" feminist journey. But it isn't a phase, it isn't a result of my failed relationships with men, and it isn't something I just randomly decided to try out. True, I am thoroughly exhausted from dealing with the toxic masculinity spewing all over our society. And yeah, it did take some thought to get to where I am now. I had to release the inhibitions keeping me from exploring the full extent of my sexuality. Breaking out of the societal pressures that just make it easier to be straight was difficult. Even I had trouble at first believing that I could be anything other than heterosexual. I had spent most of my life comparing myself to other women which just made it simpler to be with men who didn't evoke feelings of envy related to body image. Nobody would stare at me if I was holding hands with my partner in public. I didn't have to constantly restate my sexual orientation because people just assumed I was straight. Coming to the realization that these things were limiting me felt like finally releasing a part of myself I had been inhibiting my entire life. I now feel free to love who I want without being ashamed of their gender. After all, does it make sense to limit yourself to one favourite colour when you can love the entire rainbow?
I'm so lucky to have so many kickass people in my life that have hardly blinked an eye at my transition from heterosexuality to my now label-less self. Some expected it or saw it coming. ("Well, you stopped shaving your legs and wearing bras...It wasn't exactly a surprise." -- Thanks Kirsten). Like I said, it seemed like an obvious next step in my feminist journey, a journey that I know not all have taken very seriously up to this point. However, I'm very grateful to have so many awesome people in my life that have taken me seriously and were nothing less than stoked to meet my new girlfriend. It was a relief how easy it was to say to these people, "hey, this is who I'm dating now", and for them to accept it without skipping a beat. (Get it? Because most of them are dancers! HAHAHAHAHAHA!). But seriously, it gives me hope that people eventually won't have to "come out" anymore as we work toward accepting something other than heterosexuality as our norm.
To you people actually reading this, you are the people who really matter. Sharing my story through writing seemed like the most fitting way for me to get it out there while avoiding multiple awkward interactions where I say things that don't make any sense. So, thanks for sticking around! Please, feel free to talk to me about any of this and I'll do my best not to make it awkward!
Happy pride month, everyone! Love overcomes all!
Saturday 4 June 2016
Thursday 24 March 2016
Broken System, Broken Logic
Obligatory mention of the Johan Ghomeshi trial results as a segue into this next rant.
What the hell is wrong with society?
Let's just start with the fact that the false report rate for sexual harassment and assault is about the same as the false report rate for most other types of crime (ie. ~2%). When you consider the tiny percentage of actually reported sexual assaults (~11%), the number of people claiming falsely that they are a victim of sexual assault is actually much smaller than other crimes. However, because this type of crime is mostly reported by women, obviously it deserves more scrutiny. SHOCKING. We've found another way to diminish the credibility of women and exert social control over the least important half of the population through the court system.
Does anyone actually ever think about how illogical that is?? Yes, it seems SO WORTH IT to make up a fake sexual assault claim just to go through a long/humiliating/degrading court process where your every decision and clothing item is dissected and laid out in plain sight for the public, you'll probably be the target even more violent/sexual harassment via MRAs on the internet as a result, a male judge will condescendingly blame you for being the victim of a crime, and the case won't even go your way. SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH FUN.
Let me tell you about my experience with the justice system. After being stalked and harassed for several months by someone who made it his personal mission to destroy my life through vicious comments, creepy notes, manipulative pleas to my friends/family, and physical assaults, I finally decided to get some official help.
This involved me taking time off work, only to listen to the judge nitpick at my frantic handwriting in front of the entire court, deal with the unhelpful counter clerks who gave zero shits about whether or not my restraining order got filed properly, spend the buttload of money it cost to get a process server (because police officers can't deal with anything that is "only a civil matter"), get a response affidavit served on me while at work, and then go to court and stand 3 feet away from the person I was trying to get as far away from as possible while the old, white, male judge FUCKING STARTED GIVING HIM LEGAL ADVICE because I guess a man's right to harass me trumps my safety???
(Oh, and shout out to the old white dude who spent 20 minutes obliviously ranting to me about "suing an entire town because yadda yadda something business related" while I was literally having an anxiety attack because I was there trying to deal with my own silly girl problem of being stalked... REALLY glad we had that chat...)
Only after the other party stuck his foot in his mouth and revealed himself to be OBVIOUSLY less credible than me, did I get the 6 month restraining order. And then I got to go through the fun process of re-filing everything with those previously-mentioned clerks and, lucky me, RE-SERVING HIM WITH THE OFFICIAL ORDER BECAUSE HE LEFT BEFORE WE COULD DO IT AT THE COURT. So, instead of having someone mail it to him (logical right?), I had to find someone to serve him with it AGAIN for it to be enforceable by police. And even that didn't really give me much peace of mind. If he had broken the terms of the protective order, it would still have been on me to call the police and hope like hell that I had the document on me so that they could actually make an arrest.
And let me tell you, I think it's absolutely cruel to force a person to make the decision to either pay for a process server (again) or ask someone they know to serve a document to a person known for impulsivity and aggression.
I would have much rather dealt with my harasser outside of the justice system. But you can bet that I would be facing way harsher legal consequences if I had so much as laid a finger on him than he received after all of the legal hoops I jumped through to do it the "right way". This won't even show up on his record. He's involved as an authority figure in communities that have no idea what his past is like and how deeply he's manipulating them to get what he wants.
The system is broken. When we work harder to protect the rights of perpetrators than we do to ensure the safety of victims, something is wrong. I didn't even have to deal with the victim-blaming questions related to what I was wearing, if I was drinking, how I might have led him on, etc. and I will never willingly bring another grievance to court. So, expect those ridiculously small percentages of reported sexual assaults to get even smaller because unless we fix this clusterfuck of a system, you're not going to find people wanting to willingly endure that torture for absolutely no benefit. And that IS (unfortunately) logical.
What the hell is wrong with society?
Let's just start with the fact that the false report rate for sexual harassment and assault is about the same as the false report rate for most other types of crime (ie. ~2%). When you consider the tiny percentage of actually reported sexual assaults (~11%), the number of people claiming falsely that they are a victim of sexual assault is actually much smaller than other crimes. However, because this type of crime is mostly reported by women, obviously it deserves more scrutiny. SHOCKING. We've found another way to diminish the credibility of women and exert social control over the least important half of the population through the court system.
Does anyone actually ever think about how illogical that is?? Yes, it seems SO WORTH IT to make up a fake sexual assault claim just to go through a long/humiliating/degrading court process where your every decision and clothing item is dissected and laid out in plain sight for the public, you'll probably be the target even more violent/sexual harassment via MRAs on the internet as a result, a male judge will condescendingly blame you for being the victim of a crime, and the case won't even go your way. SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH FUN.
Let me tell you about my experience with the justice system. After being stalked and harassed for several months by someone who made it his personal mission to destroy my life through vicious comments, creepy notes, manipulative pleas to my friends/family, and physical assaults, I finally decided to get some official help.
This involved me taking time off work, only to listen to the judge nitpick at my frantic handwriting in front of the entire court, deal with the unhelpful counter clerks who gave zero shits about whether or not my restraining order got filed properly, spend the buttload of money it cost to get a process server (because police officers can't deal with anything that is "only a civil matter"), get a response affidavit served on me while at work, and then go to court and stand 3 feet away from the person I was trying to get as far away from as possible while the old, white, male judge FUCKING STARTED GIVING HIM LEGAL ADVICE because I guess a man's right to harass me trumps my safety???
(Oh, and shout out to the old white dude who spent 20 minutes obliviously ranting to me about "suing an entire town because yadda yadda something business related" while I was literally having an anxiety attack because I was there trying to deal with my own silly girl problem of being stalked... REALLY glad we had that chat...)
Only after the other party stuck his foot in his mouth and revealed himself to be OBVIOUSLY less credible than me, did I get the 6 month restraining order. And then I got to go through the fun process of re-filing everything with those previously-mentioned clerks and, lucky me, RE-SERVING HIM WITH THE OFFICIAL ORDER BECAUSE HE LEFT BEFORE WE COULD DO IT AT THE COURT. So, instead of having someone mail it to him (logical right?), I had to find someone to serve him with it AGAIN for it to be enforceable by police. And even that didn't really give me much peace of mind. If he had broken the terms of the protective order, it would still have been on me to call the police and hope like hell that I had the document on me so that they could actually make an arrest.
And let me tell you, I think it's absolutely cruel to force a person to make the decision to either pay for a process server (again) or ask someone they know to serve a document to a person known for impulsivity and aggression.
I would have much rather dealt with my harasser outside of the justice system. But you can bet that I would be facing way harsher legal consequences if I had so much as laid a finger on him than he received after all of the legal hoops I jumped through to do it the "right way". This won't even show up on his record. He's involved as an authority figure in communities that have no idea what his past is like and how deeply he's manipulating them to get what he wants.
The system is broken. When we work harder to protect the rights of perpetrators than we do to ensure the safety of victims, something is wrong. I didn't even have to deal with the victim-blaming questions related to what I was wearing, if I was drinking, how I might have led him on, etc. and I will never willingly bring another grievance to court. So, expect those ridiculously small percentages of reported sexual assaults to get even smaller because unless we fix this clusterfuck of a system, you're not going to find people wanting to willingly endure that torture for absolutely no benefit. And that IS (unfortunately) logical.
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