It has been quite a while since my last blog post so I've decided to ease back into blogging with some good ol' "weird stuff keeps happening to Kate" (surprise!) story time. This is basically the only time I pretend I'm even remotely funny so, HUMOUR me, if you will.
Sigh. Not exactly starting off on a high note...
ANYWAY.
Buckle up. Put on your adult pants. Here we gooooooooooooo.
Buckle up. Put on your adult pants. Here we gooooooooooooo.
So, I've recently discovered that I have stretch marks on my calves. Say what? YEEEUP. Honestly, I'm not upset about it, but also, WHAT THE HELL? I'm not entirely sure whether I've been doing too much tap dancing recently, or if my genes have just failed to allot me enough skin to accommodate my Hercules legs. Either way, I'm a little concerned that it is only a matter of time and a handful of dances before I hulk right through my own skin. My thighs have already burst themselves Alien-style through one pair of pants and are currently making quick work of their next victim. Fortunately for me, my lovely sister was willing to bring me an intact pair of jeans to campus the day I discovered there was a massive hole in the pair I was wearing on my way to work. Gotta love having the kind of sibling relationship where one of you can call up the other to request new pants, meet in a public area, and then do a sketchy-looking trouser transfer while making shifty eye movements and saying things like, "You got the stuff?". All of you people with siblings know what I'm talking about. Life isn't all ripped skin and clothing for me, though. Not to brag, but my massage therapist once told me that I have "well-developed feet". Whoo, sorry. I'll calm down the bragging going on over here. Apparently, it's a common dancer thing..? (Dancers, check your feet and get back to me on that. Let's gather some data). As my mother would explain, I've simply got "a good strong Ukrainian farm girl body built for pulling a plow through a swamp", an ability that is super useful for daily life in this dry city. This is something I hope I never have to attempt. I seriously doubt that being built to do that kind of activity makes it any more enjoyable. In any case, pass the pyrohy.
For those of you who keep up with my Facebook statuses, you'll know that I nearly attacked a stranger's face with my snow brush the other night. PSA for you all, DON'T SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE ON WHYTE AVENUE. Realistically, you probably shouldn't sneak up on strangers ever, but especially do not walk up behind someone while they are alone, brushing the snow off their car, on Whyte ave, on a Saturday night. Just, no. From the perspective of the guy who nearly had to get new teeth, he was just trying to get into his car which, unfortunately, happened to be parked adjacent to mine. From my perspective, this random dude was approaching me head-on at an alarmingly quick pace to, most likely, hit on me in one way or another. He should be appreciative of the many years of softball I played in my youth because I managed to check my swing in time to avoid crushing his face once I determined that he was not a real threat. Holy smackapoopies, was that ever an unnecessary heart attack. To his credit, he did apologize to me after I lowered my weapon. In response to that, I said, "It's fine. I mean, I almost smashed your face in, but it's fine." At least he owned up when he said, "That's fair. I would have deserved that". Seriously, though, he had a nice face and I would have felt bad if I had shattered it with my ice scraper. This whole charade might have even made for a great "meet-cute" for a romantic comedy. Of course, the universe would have to allow me to have a single non-awkward interaction with a person for that to be a possibility. We all know that won't be happening any time soon.
This isn't even the first incidence of near-violence against a stranger on Whyte avenue that I have almost initiated. A couple of months ago, I was walking down the street when I heard the sound of running footsteps quickly approaching me from behind. Naturally, I whipped around to face the would-be attacker with a raised fist, prepared to land the first blow before they had a chance to get to me first. To this, the running party yelled out, "It's just me, a woman! I'm just running to get out of the cold!", as she scuttled sheepishly away. GAH. THAT'S GREAT, BUT WOULD YOU MIND NOT RUNNING DIRECTLY TOWARD ME?? I would really love to not punch innocent strangers in the face but people are making it more and more difficult to achieve this goal every day.
Speaking of awkward encounters, here's a little piece of advice for any of you considering messaging a complete stranger over Facebook messenger: Don't do it. I don't care if you think you're doing them a favour by throwing a random "compliment" their way. 1) You're probably not. 2) They likely don't care what you think about them because they don't know you exist. And 3) You're definitely not as eloquent as you think you are. Rando from who-knows-where, Saskatchewan, sent me an unsolicited Facebook message a few days ago which read, "We don't know each other but I wanted to tell you that you are absolutely stunning." I mean, my profile photo features me in a reindeer onesie. "Cute" would have at least made sense. "Stunning" just made me think he had some weird kinks he was trying to project onto me. No thank you, sir. I replied with, "Please never do this to anyone ever again", because I figured I'd at least try to proactively curb this dude's creepy behaviour to save future women from having to deal with it. However, this is where he made his fatal mistake because he responded by saying, "What, compliment them?" HOO BOY. One more time for the people in the back, UNSOLICITED COMMENTS ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON'S APPEARANCE ARE NOT COMPLIMENTS. I had started off our exchange relatively politely for dealing with someone who evidently had zero respect for me right off the bat. That "compliment" claim will get me every time, though. To deal with his tomfoolery, I made the super mature decision to bombard him with custom-made memes of a child flipping him off to make it clear I don't have a single fuck to give about what a strange internet guy thinks about my face. Gotta say, it was pretty satisfying to outdo him at his own game until he felt forced to block me. Do you like apples, internet dude? Well, how do you like THEM apples?
Moving on, my caffeine tolerance is currently approaching an unmanageable level. I'm popping caffeine pills like they're candy and then wondering why I haven't slept in a week and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I put a little sticky note with the word "BREATHE" written on it on my computer monitor so I could have an external reminder to practice breathing properly. While running on pure stimulants, however, I've spent more time angrily glaring at this sticky note, frustrated that I am seemingly only capable of tense, shallow breaths, than I have actually heeding the message I wrote for my own damn self.
It's funny that I mentioned running on caffeine because I've recently experienced my coffee running away from me. Gripping things with my weak post-sleep hands before the coffee has hit my bloodstream is the most difficult part of my average morning. Holding things while walking in this pre-caffeinated state is basically impossible. Imagine, if you will, zombie-Kate stumbling after her fallen travel mug while it rolls away down the LONGEST FRIGGIN' HALLWAY IN EXISTENCE while dropping other important items along the way. My phone made the decision to jump and got halfway to activating the "Facebook live" feature before I stopped it just in time. The last thing this world needs is documentation of my disastrous ways. Wait a second...
Alright so, before y'all take off on me, I've got a few more serious things to say. I have recently decided to get back into writing on a more serious/regular basis with the intent of actually doing something with it. I mean, do I even have a right to highlight the spelling mistakes of others if I'm not actively writing anything of my own? I think not. So, consider this the light-hearted re-entry blog post to shake off the rust and kick off what will, hopefully, be a coherent series of written work. It is entirely possible that I am simply going to start throwing words at various audiences with no pre-determined plan just to see what sticks. (Lucky you). In any case, expect more blog posts and shoot me a message if there's something you'd like to see me write about. I'm open to collaboration and requests. This also means that I am now accepting offers to create content for your projects! That's right, I occasionally write things that read like they were written by a competent adult. I also edit/revise/proofread things written by other people because it makes me feel good to make other people look good. Do me a favour and help me build a portfolio while doing favours for you! I would also appreciate you all spreading the word that I do things with words throughout your own social networks. Feel free to send me a message and/or tell your friends to send me a message at kdproofreading@gmail.com. Y'all rock!
If you've made it this far, here's a video of me doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance at the PLEX 2017 cabaret in Calgary last weekend. Now you know why I've been so unavailable for the last few months. It's not a great reason, but it's the truth. Honestly, if you've read this entire blog you're probably one of the cool people that has already bothered to watch it/saw it live at PLEX so here's a video of screaming goats for you to enjoy. Also, the rest of the entries in this blog are not a particularly hilarious but some of the entries on my old breakfast blog are chuckle-worthy, if I do say so myself. Check it out if that's what you're looking for.
Speaking of awkward encounters, here's a little piece of advice for any of you considering messaging a complete stranger over Facebook messenger: Don't do it. I don't care if you think you're doing them a favour by throwing a random "compliment" their way. 1) You're probably not. 2) They likely don't care what you think about them because they don't know you exist. And 3) You're definitely not as eloquent as you think you are. Rando from who-knows-where, Saskatchewan, sent me an unsolicited Facebook message a few days ago which read, "We don't know each other but I wanted to tell you that you are absolutely stunning." I mean, my profile photo features me in a reindeer onesie. "Cute" would have at least made sense. "Stunning" just made me think he had some weird kinks he was trying to project onto me. No thank you, sir. I replied with, "Please never do this to anyone ever again", because I figured I'd at least try to proactively curb this dude's creepy behaviour to save future women from having to deal with it. However, this is where he made his fatal mistake because he responded by saying, "What, compliment them?" HOO BOY. One more time for the people in the back, UNSOLICITED COMMENTS ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON'S APPEARANCE ARE NOT COMPLIMENTS. I had started off our exchange relatively politely for dealing with someone who evidently had zero respect for me right off the bat. That "compliment" claim will get me every time, though. To deal with his tomfoolery, I made the super mature decision to bombard him with custom-made memes of a child flipping him off to make it clear I don't have a single fuck to give about what a strange internet guy thinks about my face. Gotta say, it was pretty satisfying to outdo him at his own game until he felt forced to block me. Do you like apples, internet dude? Well, how do you like THEM apples?
Moving on, my caffeine tolerance is currently approaching an unmanageable level. I'm popping caffeine pills like they're candy and then wondering why I haven't slept in a week and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I put a little sticky note with the word "BREATHE" written on it on my computer monitor so I could have an external reminder to practice breathing properly. While running on pure stimulants, however, I've spent more time angrily glaring at this sticky note, frustrated that I am seemingly only capable of tense, shallow breaths, than I have actually heeding the message I wrote for my own damn self.
It's funny that I mentioned running on caffeine because I've recently experienced my coffee running away from me. Gripping things with my weak post-sleep hands before the coffee has hit my bloodstream is the most difficult part of my average morning. Holding things while walking in this pre-caffeinated state is basically impossible. Imagine, if you will, zombie-Kate stumbling after her fallen travel mug while it rolls away down the LONGEST FRIGGIN' HALLWAY IN EXISTENCE while dropping other important items along the way. My phone made the decision to jump and got halfway to activating the "Facebook live" feature before I stopped it just in time. The last thing this world needs is documentation of my disastrous ways. Wait a second...
Alright so, before y'all take off on me, I've got a few more serious things to say. I have recently decided to get back into writing on a more serious/regular basis with the intent of actually doing something with it. I mean, do I even have a right to highlight the spelling mistakes of others if I'm not actively writing anything of my own? I think not. So, consider this the light-hearted re-entry blog post to shake off the rust and kick off what will, hopefully, be a coherent series of written work. It is entirely possible that I am simply going to start throwing words at various audiences with no pre-determined plan just to see what sticks. (Lucky you). In any case, expect more blog posts and shoot me a message if there's something you'd like to see me write about. I'm open to collaboration and requests. This also means that I am now accepting offers to create content for your projects! That's right, I occasionally write things that read like they were written by a competent adult. I also edit/revise/proofread things written by other people because it makes me feel good to make other people look good. Do me a favour and help me build a portfolio while doing favours for you! I would also appreciate you all spreading the word that I do things with words throughout your own social networks. Feel free to send me a message and/or tell your friends to send me a message at kdproofreading@gmail.com. Y'all rock!
If you've made it this far, here's a video of me doing the Napoleon Dynamite dance at the PLEX 2017 cabaret in Calgary last weekend. Now you know why I've been so unavailable for the last few months. It's not a great reason, but it's the truth. Honestly, if you've read this entire blog you're probably one of the cool people that has already bothered to watch it/saw it live at PLEX so here's a video of screaming goats for you to enjoy. Also, the rest of the entries in this blog are not a particularly hilarious but some of the entries on my old breakfast blog are chuckle-worthy, if I do say so myself. Check it out if that's what you're looking for.
Party on, dudes.
